Ho Ho Hold On…

It’s the Holiday Season.

As you’ve probably noticed – everybody and their mother has been complaining about everything. Whether or not they can say ‘Merry Christmas’…or if they have to say ‘Happy Holidays’…or listening to headphones, polite smile, complete silence, no eye-contact, and minding my own business (like I do) to strange passersby, and co-workers.

I’m not going to bore you with my opinions on that. I am, however, going to bore you with my opinions on something else that holds a little bit more weight this time of year.

Public Bathrooms.

Now, I don’t know about you… but one of the Pillars of Adulthood, for me, has been:

Knowing where every bathroom is (and its accessibility) everywhere you go.


 It is a basic human right to know, and understand, the location of any and every indoor plumbing facility. (Repeat this, as necessary.)

Unfortunately, as well as knowing the location of said bathroom…we also have to know the policies on using the bathroom.

And everywhere is different.

To name a few:

  • The Statue of Liberty Bathroom Policy – This means their bathroom is open to anyone and everyone.Give me your tired, your hungry, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, your paying customers, your random people walking by who had no intention of entering your establishment, your moms or dads with their potty training 2 year-old who always waits until it’s an emergency, your elderly, etc”
    We love these people, and their cart blanche bathroom policies. They are angels among us.
  • Fascist Party Bathroom Policy – This means that the bathrooms are EMPLOYEES ONLY. This could be a Gas Station, a Convenience Store, a Combination of the two…whatever. These people are advocates of the movement of intolerance of others using their bathroom (or maybe they just don’t want to keep it up to code on the cleaning). Either way – it isn’t right.
  • Bathroom Gestapo Bathroom Policy – This means that the bathrooms are for CUSTOMERS ONLY. Which is fine. Except, I don’t appreciate the attitude that goes with this policy. “Can I use your bathroom?” followed by a snotty “Our bathroom is for Customers Only” is not a very welcoming sentiment. I’m already in a panic. I have to go to the bathroom. There’s a room at your Inn. What if I have never been to your establishment? I clearly did not know the policy. I just stopped in. I could be a potential return customer. Put a smile on your face. It won’t kill you.
  • Password Protected Bathroom Policy – This means that the bathroom is open to anyone… but it requires a passcode or a key in order to gain entry to the facilities. Usually, the store does not have a sign saying: “If you need to use our restroom, please find an apathetic 18 year-old employee who is pretending to look busy to avoid actual interaction or work to provide you with access to the bathroom.” I would be fine with a sign like that. But instead – you find the bathroom, and then see that you need a password or a key…and now there isn’t an employee in sight. Deplorable.


I will forever boycott Church’s Chicken because of a time some years ago, around the Holidays, where I tried to use their bathroom in an urgent need for bladder relief. I was told that the bathroom was for Customers Only – I told them I would happily purchase anything.  To which they replied, “We’re closing, soon.”  And I was cast out.  My willingness to comply and purchase and consume frozen fried chicken, their lazy attempt at a poor excuse for mashed potatoes and their sad gelatinous gravy was not sufficient enough for these Bathroom Gestapos.


If you, or someone you know, has been a victim of some of these heinous policies…

Stand up for yourself. Say something.

Because you shouldn’t have to fight…for your right… to potty.





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