Gospel of Standards (A How-To Guide for Dealing With my Social Anxiety and Food Expectations)

Here’s how to tell if we are good friends:

You’re having a get-together at your house for <insert reason here>. You’ve made a whole bunch of food, and you invited some people over.

Am I in attendance?

Absolutely not.

I’ve texted you at the absolute last minute to cancel or say ‘Oh, no!  Something came up…’… or I’ve stayed completely radio silent to you all day hoping and praying to any deity who will listen that you won’t text or call me first making sure I will be there.

If we’re not that good of friends… I am at this get-together. I’ve spent days dreading this event; and in the same breath, I’ve been preparing for this get-together. (Keep your eyes peeled for the riveting performance starring Me in ‘Social Anxiety… ON PARADE!’)

But I am at this shindig…harboring a lot of feelings. One of these feelings is the complete awkwardness of combining your social groups. How selfish and dictator-esque of you to coordinate this event and corral us over to your house like cattle because of the promise of food with no cleanup. (Because that’s the only reason we are all coming over. No one cares how you decorated your foyer. Where’s the food?)

While we’re on the subject of food – Be courteous, and mindful of your guests. (Remember: You invited us.) Follow the golden rule. Stick with what you know. If you cannot figure out how to make something edible based on the ingredients that you have, combined with your current culinary skills…then you have no business making it. If it’s not from a family recipe book; if you can’t pronounce it; if you saw it on Rachael Ray; if it requires ingredients that you can’t imagine what they would taste like when they are combined…thus, making it an ‘edible crapshoot’

Then Shut It Down. Get off of Pinterest. Live your life.

Here’s the Gospel of Party Foods (According to Me)

APPETIZERS/HORS D’OEUVRES –

Ants on a Log: This is not food. First things first, raisins and celery do not belong together. Peanut Butter is good – but only on bread with marshmallow fluff, or jelly. It should also be noted that Ants on a Log the most humbling snack to eat…so, yeah, let’s eat it in a room full of people I don’t know. Celery never cuts off clean when you eat it…you always get the strings. Peanut Butter always sticks to the roof of your mouth…only to be flossed back through your teeth by the celery strings. And the raisins stick to and in your molars. This is a three-tiered disaster. Overall snack rating: F –

Deviled Eggs: Let’s get something straight. If you made the communal deviled eggs for the party…We’re friends. Ok? I know a lot of the questionable decisions that you’ve made in your life. So-much-so that I have to question your abilities to be able to make an agreeable ratio of equal parts mayonnaise and mustard. (And it IS mayonnaise. If you use Miracle Whip for your deviled eggs, you’re a monster and I don’t want to know you.) Also, if you sully the deviled egg by using any other spice other than a dash of paprika…I will fight you in a dark alley with no shoes on.

Deviled Eggs are better than most people on this planet; and they deserve to be treated as such.

Coleslaw: If you are that guy that makes a sloppy, nasty, wet coleslaw…We can’t be friends, anymore. I like a good coleslaw. Nice. Light. Refreshing. It can cleanse a palate. I wouldn’t wish a sloppy coleslaw that gets dressing on your face on my worst enemy. Neither should you. (Please: No raisins, craisins, or anything else of the -aisin variety.)

Potato Salad: For all of you heathens out there that don’t understand the function of mayonnaise in a potato salad…Mayonnaise is just there to LIGHTLY coat the ingredients of the potato salad. If you drown the potatoes in mayonnaise…Then you deserve to go straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.

How dare you blatantly disrespect the most beautiful food in all of the land.

Meat and Cheese Platter: Always a good choice! But – for the love of all that is Holy… Please, please, PLEASE put it over ice. Nothing about sweaty meats and cheeses is appetizing. Also…Wheat crackers can absolutely NOT be the only option for carb consumption as part of this platter. You may as well serve NO snacks, if this is the case. A cracker variety, or bread, are perfectly sufficient. (Bread is ALWAYS the answer.)

Veggie/Fruit Platter: Again, always a good choice. However, put a spoon in the dip and provide plates. I’m a known double-dipper…and so is everyone else in this world. Do yourself, and all of your guests a favor. Use a spoon.

ENTRÉES –

As long as the entrée is something recognizable and seemingly edible…Everyone should be fine. If someone asks, “What is this?” That’s not a good sign.

Also — there is no shame in just ordering sandwiches from your local grocery store deli.  Helpful Hint: get the tomatoes, lettuce, onions, etc on the side so that I can dress up my own sandwich.  (And tell those corporate grocery store meat pimps to leave their ham in the case.)

DESSERTS –

Put desserts out that people recognize. For example: Fudge, cheesecake slices, cake slices, pie slices, chocolates, chocolate covered strawberries, cookies, brownies…Etc. No need to get fancy. If it looks complicated to eat, or looks questionable…

All work, and no sweets makes Sarah a Dull Girl.


Overall – Have some standards.

If it worked out that I was not at this get-together… Call me and I will come over another day, and I will happily eat leftovers.


Instagram: @mehhhh4


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